I see you everywhere. Sometimes I am there with you too. The earlier version of me. She shined a lot brighter than this version of me. This version of me is but a shadow of the previous edition. It is darker, and has less spark, less energy, and less hope. Every day it continues to get just a little bit more worn around the edges, so subtly that at first you don’t even notice it. But it accumulates over time. And meanwhile I see your ghost. I try to shake it off and clear my head but there you are. You just won’t leave me. You live on forever in my mind.
I remember the day we met, I didn’t expect anything back then, I was just going to a house with some mates, turns out it was your house. I didn’t see it coming that’s for sure. I go for a run to get you out of my head but instead I remember the day we walked in the pouring rain in this very same place and we debated our hearts out, revealing our souls and passions as we got soaked to the skin. I didn’t even notice I was wet because I was too in love with you. I go to work because it’s a good distraction. And there we are again, sitting in the back right hand booth eating nuggets right before my shift. I got you the discount because you had only a few dollars to your name at the time. As I come home from work I stop at the driveway. The same driveway where you walked away from me for the last time. I went to call you back but back then I was so naive, I guess I thought I would see you again. I was wrong. I go to bed and I hear my phone ringing that night you called me and you were so scared. I talked to you for hours. If I had my licence back then I would have gone and picked you up. I would have brought you home and let you sleep on my bed. I saw you. I knew you. I loved you more than I ever realized.
I miss your voice. I miss your sense of humour. I even miss your shoes. But most of all I just miss you. I don’t know why you are still in my head. Actually that’s a lie I do know why. I have let you reside in my head for far too long, and now you are a permanent fixture. You are godlike in my imagination, you are indestructible and unflawed and nothing anyone can say will change that. I think perhaps the only thing that might alter my memories of you would be new ones. If I ever saw you again. I wish I could. Not because I think we would have any sort of relationship, but because I just want to have a long conversation with you, see how you remember us. Of course that would rely on your candor.
The truth is you are still there because I let you be there. I let you stay in my head like a perfectly preserved ancient history artefact. How long will it be until I stop letting you haunt me? Probably until I meet someone who I can replace the memories with. When will that happen? Maybe never? It has felt like that for years and I think it’s going to keep feeling like that for a while longer. Sometimes when its 4am and I can’t sleep I think it’s going to be like that for the rest of my life. I cry because it makes me feel better for a while, it allows me to sleep. People try to comfort me and tell me to just wait and it will happen. But no one is owed love in their life. We don’t deserve to meet someone who values us. We are entitled to absolutely nothing in this life. Absolutely no guarantees, no warranties and no refunds. That is the truth of it. It’s entirely possible that I will meet someone that I feel strongly about again. But it’s entirely possible that I won’t meet anyone.
I love myself. But it’s not the same thing. It’s different to be loved by someone else. It is much more powerful. And no one has even come close to measuring up. Probably because of the insane lengths I have gone to remember you and preserve you. I would give a lot to be back there in that moment. To do it again. Just because it’s not enough. I am grateful for what happened. But it’s just not enough. And I am left feeling like I missed out a little, like we could’ve been more. If I had known that was all I was going to get I would have seized the opportunity a lot more. If you knew that you last cheeseburger would be the last one would you eat just one? Or would you eat 100 of them. And would you savour it? Or just eat it normally?
I don’t have the manual on life. Or on love. And I don’t know how to clear my head of these ghosts. I see them for my friends too. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to open my heart again to anyone else. I don’t know how to find anyone else. I don’t know how to let anyone else find me. I didn’t the first time. I am just here. I am existing. I am continuing on my life mission to fulfil my life goals. I will keep reading the books, the books where people find other people to fall in love with. I will keep watching the movies, where the same thing happens. I will continue to be grateful for everything that I have and everything I have ever had. I will not be one half of a heart. I will be a whole heart even by myself. But I will feel that loss, I will feel it forever, because like sugar; love is addictive. And once you are hooked…….