Ghosts

I see you everywhere. Sometimes I am there with you too. The earlier version of me. She shined a lot brighter than this version of me. This version of me is but a shadow of the previous edition. It is darker, and has less spark, less energy, and less hope. Every day it continues to get just a little bit more worn around the edges, so subtly that at first you don’t even notice it. But it accumulates over time. And meanwhile I see your ghost. I try to shake it off and clear my head but there you are. You just won’t leave me. You live on forever in my mind.

I remember the day we met, I didn’t expect anything back then, I was just going to a house with some mates, turns out it was your house. I didn’t see it coming that’s for sure. I go for a run to get you out of my head but instead I remember the day we walked in the pouring rain in this very same place and we debated our hearts out, revealing our souls and passions as we got soaked to the skin. I didn’t even notice I was wet because I was too in love with you. I go to work because it’s a good distraction. And there we are again, sitting in the back right hand booth eating nuggets right before my shift. I got you the discount because you had only a few dollars to your name at the time. As I come home from work I stop at the driveway. The same driveway where you walked away from me for the last time. I went to call you back but back then I was so naive, I guess I thought I would see you again. I was wrong. I go to bed and I hear my phone ringing that night you called me and you were so scared. I talked to you for hours. If I had my licence back then I would have gone and picked you up. I would have brought you home and let you sleep on my bed. I saw you. I knew you. I loved you more than I ever realized.

I miss your voice. I miss your sense of humour. I even miss your shoes. But most of all I just miss you. I don’t know why you are still in my head. Actually that’s a lie I do know why. I have let you reside in my head for far too long, and now you are a permanent fixture. You are godlike in my imagination, you are indestructible and unflawed and nothing anyone can say will change that. I think perhaps the only thing that might alter my memories of you would be new ones. If I ever saw you again. I wish I could. Not because I think we would have any sort of relationship, but because I just want to have a long conversation with you, see how you remember us. Of course that would rely on your candor.

The truth is you are still there because I let you be there. I let you stay in my head like a perfectly preserved ancient history artefact. How long will it be until I stop letting you haunt me? Probably until I meet someone who I can replace the memories with. When will that happen? Maybe never? It has felt like that for years and I think it’s going to keep feeling like that for a while longer. Sometimes when its 4am and I can’t sleep I think it’s going to be like that for the rest of my life. I cry because it makes me feel better for a while, it allows me to sleep. People try to comfort me and tell me to just wait and it will happen. But no one is owed love in their life. We don’t deserve to meet someone who values us. We are entitled to absolutely nothing in this life. Absolutely no guarantees, no warranties and no refunds. That is the truth of it. It’s entirely possible that I will meet someone that I feel strongly about again. But it’s entirely possible that I won’t meet anyone.

I love myself. But it’s not the same thing. It’s different to be loved by someone else. It is much more powerful. And no one has even come close to measuring up. Probably because of the insane lengths I have gone to remember you and preserve you. I would give a lot to be back there in that moment. To do it again. Just because it’s not enough. I am grateful for what happened. But it’s just not enough. And I am left feeling like I missed out a little, like we could’ve been more. If I had known that was all I was going to get I would have seized the opportunity a lot more. If you knew that you last cheeseburger would be the last one would you eat just one? Or would you eat 100 of them. And would you savour it? Or just eat it normally?

I don’t have the manual on life. Or on love. And I don’t know how to clear my head of these ghosts. I see them for my friends too. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to open my heart again to anyone else. I don’t know how to find anyone else. I don’t know how to let anyone else find me. I didn’t the first time. I am just here. I am existing. I am continuing on my life mission to fulfil my life goals. I will keep reading the books, the books where people find other people to fall in love with. I will keep watching the movies, where the same thing happens. I will continue to be grateful for everything that I have and everything I have ever had. I will not be one half of a heart. I will be a whole heart even by myself. But I will feel that loss, I will feel it forever, because like sugar; love is addictive. And once you are hooked…….

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Perhaps Passion Pays Perfectly

I am bursting to the brim with passion for life. In fact I have so many different passions that I could probably turn many of them into a career. Even though everyone says you shouldn’t turn your passion into a career because then you will hate your passion.

I wish I had less passion for everything because maybe then I wouldn’t feel like an octopus being split eight ways as I try to decide where to most focus my energy. Instead I jump from passion to passion completely stressing about not putting enough time into my passions. Because ladies and gentlemen, there just isn’t enough time in a day. And yes, I know life is not all about passion and we should make room for the mundane but what really gets me going is my passions. They set my heart on fire and when I neglect them I build up all this energy that needs to flow out into one of these passions. So these are some of the ways that I manage that overflowing well.

Writing

This one isn’t much of a surprise to anyone. I mean it’s what I am doing right now so it must be something I enjoy doing. Also I don’t get paid to write. I just HAVE to write so I sit there and stew on things all the time and then all of a sudden I get a hankering for some words on the page. And literally words flow. When the words don’t flow, which often they don’t, I still enjoy forcing myself along, pushing myself to write despite not feeling creative. Writing is just one of those things that you love to hate and hate to love. Ask any author who is a slave to their written word and they will agree with this one. Things I do to help this one are write in a diary, write silly articles like this one, write short stories, write poems, get creative with uni assignments and hopefully one day a novel. Either way my writing will be a craft that I will be working on for the rest of my life. And using it to get all the thoughts that I need to get out of my head in order to pretend I am a normal and functional human being. The other day I woke up at three in the morning and I just had to do some writing. Maybe I’m insane, but all the great creators were too so I must be on the path to greatness.

Reading

This one tends to go hand in hand with learning and with writing. I will spend the rest of my life trying to read as many books as I can. Being well read is more than just fun, it arms you with knowledge and stories and empathy. It is a fundamental and is the backbone of any true writer. Also its one of the best ways to spend time.

Horses

Yes also a tough guess. It’s not like I am studying equine science or anything. And yes equine means horses, I hope you know that. I liked horses so much that I decided to get an entire undergraduate degree in them, and I am considering doing some postgrad work in horses also, because my in depth bachelors hasn’t been in depth enough in the topics that I am fascinated by. I will just keep on learning about horses for the rest of my life. Never has there been a more complicated relationship between man and beast, with so many aspects to it. And so many different ways to do it. It is an absolute challenge daily to even own and care for a horse and I really respect all of those who do. I cannot wait to get my hands on my own horse one day, despite all that I’ve learnt being super discouraging, purely so that I can learn even more and hopefully apply some of the vast amount of knowledge and critical thinking skills that I have obtained. You may not understand it, but that’s okay, if it’s not your passion it doesn’t really matter. All you need to know is that it feeds my soul and is important to me.

Training and behaviour

This one goes hand in hand with horses I suppose but also relates in a way to my work with my own dog; Finn. Since acquiring him as a puppy we have faced many challenges together and have both grown tremendously, particularly in my thirst for knowledge about training. I took about self-educating myself (another passion of mine) and set about teaching myself everything I could and putting it into practice. I really don’t think that there’s really anything more satisfying in life then establishing a channel of communication with an animal that doesn’t speak the same language. Although I believe they interpret us far better than we interpret their behavior. I really hope that in my life and in my career in the future I am able to make something of myself in training. It takes a ridiculous amount of patience and hard work but hopefully I will be ready for it. I think the discord that occurs between animals and humans is directly caused by a fundamental lack of understanding. I really hope to spread that message throughout my life and teach people that it is possible to understand each other. I hope that I can reach a few.

True crime

This one is a bit of an outlier but those of you who have spent any amount of time with me recently will know that I am very interested in the stories of real life psychopaths. I think I have always been very interested it’s only recently when I discovered a relevant podcast that I truly allowed my interest to become a bit more intense. I guess previously I was concerned that others would judge my interest in it. Now I am less concerned as the true crime community is a large one, a huge one actually and I am very much not alone. Many people are fascinated by true crime and all the grisly details simply because they have anxiety of being a victim of something themselves, which I can relate to as I have always been a bit anxiety prone. But it is not overly imaginative to think that I could be the victim of a crime, and honestly I have learnt a lot by listening to over 200 episodes of stories from near misses to insane serial killers. I will never be the same. Maybe one day I will study forensics and even join the police-force, not because I have been romanticizing it, but because I generally want to help the victims of crime in any way possible.

I have many other passions to be sure: the outdoors, cooking, arts and crafts, talking too much, overthinking and travelling to name a few. I have a strong desire to just pack up my life and set off on a crazy adventure every day. This is certainly a romanticized vision but one that will teach me a lot as well. And we all know that I love learning. I don’t know what the future will bring and if any of my passions will be at all fruitful. But I do know that it is nice to have things that keep us going in life and without them I’m not really sure how much meaning our lives would have. Also it wouldn’t be nearly as fun if we didn’t have anyone to share our passions with even if sometimes we don’t fully understand others passions and can only nod along and listen to them talk about it. It’s still beautiful to watch someone being passionate, whether it is their career or whether it is simply just their hobby.

Keep fueling those fires because they keep the light inside you burning bright.

Coffee and a catch up: the written equivalent

I have been a little busy so let’s catch up on my life. Questionnaire style. I did not come up with this idea the credit is owed to Pip Meet me at Mike’s blog. So grab a coffee or a glass of wine, and sit down with me. Feel free to be inspired and fill in the blanks for your life and send it back so that I can be as caught up with you as you will be with me after reading this!
Cooking: Raspberry and white chocolate muffins. I made them the other day and actually ate seven in one day. Three for breakfast, three for lunch and one for dessert. They were actually so good I still can’t stop eating them. Am thinking maybe I should eat 8 tomorrow. Go for gold.
Drinking: Anything with sugar in it. I know I should be drinking water but I am running on empty and pouring anything in the tank to try and make it through the last mile. I try and shove some water down there every now and then but I am also addicted to tea, orange juice and of course sodas.
Reading: Everything John Flanagan has ever written, and in particular the Rangers Apprentice series, I am actually in love with it. A medieval world where heroes save the day and have amazing skills as well as friends. With a dry witty humor too that is my favorite.
Wanting: The semester to be over. It’s a grind to the end, every single time. It feels like someone has chopped off both your legs, and you have been shot ten times, but you are dragging yourself with your arms across an icy surface and you keep sliding backwards. Less than a month now. Can make it.
Wishing: That I had a horse. I miss everything about the horse life. Well maybe not everything as it can be a significant cause of stress as some of my very horsey friends will tell you. Not just financially but also emotionally with all the complications that come with horses. Regardless I still want one. I suspect I am mad though.
Enjoying: How kind and beautiful my housemate is to live with. Clean, tidy and respectful. Not to mention very mature. I have never been so lucky in my life. I will miss her.
Wondering: How much swimming I will do this summer. I want to spend as much time at the beach as if humanly possible. Also I want to do some laps as well. It’s usually a summer pastime I try to pick up because it is the only way to exercise without dying when its 40 degrees.
Listening: to my favorite murder podcast. The actual best true crime podcast I have ever listened to. Actually I haven’t listened to all of them but it is pretty amazing on so many different levels. If you have any interest in true crime then this podcast is for you. I actually highly recommend that you get into podcasts actually, they are a very entertaining way of passing the time. Listen while doing chores and actually start to enjoy your chores, listen while walking and get some exercise, listen while driving and enjoy traffic because it makes the time go faster. Just listen to podcasts, but good ones.
Buying: New boots for work. I need a sturdy pair of kitchen boots to survive the hospitality floors. Shoes being wet all the time and getting lots of different food on them all the time.
Watching: That 70’s show, what an underrated sitcom. I love the old style of the show. Old costumes, old jokes, old hangouts in basements without phones. It makes me crack up laughing which is a good break from studying. If there’s anything I need at the moment, it is a good laugh.

Hoping: That I will one day graduate university. I don’t think my degree will get me employed but I still want to finish eventually. Sooner rather than later would be great.
Needing: A holiday. I especially would love a camping trip or even a hiking trip. Hit me up if you are keen.
Questioning: Whether I am ever going to make it in the world? What making it even means? Whether I will ever have a job that I enjoy? Whether I am cut out for the equine industry? Whether I will ever be able to influence any change in the world?
Wearing: Whatever is comfortable? Loose fitting clothing usually. What an odd question.
Noticing: How tanned I am getting already due to the very warm weather we are having. It is going to be an extremely hot summer I anticipate.
Knowing: I am not writing enough, nor am I training enough, nor am I exercising enough. But I am still enough.
Thinking: How will I ever write a book when I am busy writing both assignments and silly catch up blog posts that no one is probably reading anyway….
Bookmarking: A lot of true crime books in my book club that I am a part of. Hopefully I might find time over summer to read some of them. Although lately I have been much more distracted just re reading my favorite books and book series. It’s always a sure good time reading something when you know what the outcome shall be.
Opening: My windows at night-time. I know it makes it easier for people to come in and kidnap me however it is worth it 110% because of the ambiance. And it creates optimal temperature for sleeping as well as fresh air. If I could sleep outside that would be great. Or even in a tent, I really want to go camping…
Feeling: Like I need the bad times to end for all of my friends so that no one has to hurt anymore. It’s been a rough year for many of the people close to me and I hope that they find that even in darkness there is light. Tough times make you tougher hopefully. I want there to be peace in the village.

Hearing: My neighbor’s dog howl all the time. Wishing I could kidnap all the unhappy dogs of the world and make them happy again.
Celebrating: Finn has mostly finished shedding his winter coat, this means less hair everywhere….wooooo!
Pretending: That I care about my job. Although I’ve been pretending this for so long you wouldn’t even know that I was pretending. You would think that I do care about how the napkins are folded or whether or not 2 boxes of cutlery has been rolled or whether the gravy has been wiped off the shelves in the cool-room. Or maybe whether or not the flaps have been cleaned or the right colored tea towels are being used in the kitchen and the bar. All I’m saying is if everyone else knew all this and did it properly life would be a lot easier. I guess I do care more than I think.
Embracing: Not being sick anymore. I was half dead for the better part of three weeks. I’m not saying that I am feeling the full extent of my 22 years of health and vitality, because I don’t think I ever have, but I am definitely at least half alive at the moment.

 

Little Magic

I don’t want to die yet. I have some tough moments, but I still want to live. I want to live somewhere else though, somewhere where I can have an extraordinary life. One quite unlike the life I am living. I aspire to be a part of the fiction world. The fiction world is a world of imagination and beauty and it has ruined me for real life. Much in the way that a good man will ruin you for all other men. This is how fiction has ruined me for reality. They say that fiction is a mirror of reality, and to some extent it is. But mirrors often reflect a distorted version of the truth.

 

I have begun to wonder these days, if muggles do really walk amongst us, and similarly so, if wizards and witches do too. It may not look exactly like a castle called Hogwarts and spells and magic going on. But rather a completely different type of magic. I have begun to observe some humans who do seem rather gifted in one area or another. This type of magic is no less real and no less beautiful than the more traditional sense of magic that is described in Harry Potter by a rather magical writer. It is rather different though.

 

From a young age I have been a reader. I have consumed more pages in my life than one could ever imagine. I have spent more nights up all night caught up in a characters story-line than I care to admit. Angrily yelling at myself the next day for having a reading hangover. Yep, I get reading hangovers. When I have only had 3 hours sleep yet still I wonder about the adventures of my character, or the heartbreaking moments they are going through. It plagues my mind all day, one would say I get overly invested. But is that not the author’s intention? To grab the reader in a vice-like grip and never let them go? Too bad I have to return to reality.

 

Later I even dabbled in the much more common art of moving picture books, otherwise known as television. It has been considered less of an art but I think it is equally addictive if not more than books. And so it was that I spent many a teenage year glued to the screen, watching characters play a part, and being inspired by their actions. I cried with them, laughed with them, but most of all I shared their stories, their somewhat fictional stories, but I could still relate to them. I still can.

That’s the thing about the human condition. It is ever changing, ever flowing, yet always the same. The wealth of human experiences is recycled and recycled from generation to generation, it is mirrored and somewhat exaggerated in our fiction, but it is still hauntingly familiar. Yet there is a part of it that will never be understood by us. The real magic, as it is known to me. It must have been dreamt up by humans, but we will never truly experience it. This is the part that gets me.

 

I have done nothing but dream and fantasize and read and watch people living far more exciting lives than me. For my superpower please, I would like to be able to enter books, and become the characters within. And if that is not possible, I would like to enter TV shows, and become the characters within them. And if that is still not possible, then I would rather not be here thank you very much. Because I find that my current reality is not that magical. Reality cannot compete with fiction. It loses on every occasion.

 

The fascinating thing about my favourite series at the moment that I am currently in the process of rereading is that the core values are the same as mine. And actually it finds magic in the ordinary, in the slogging hard work day after day, in the subtleties of life itself. The thought does strikes me that perhaps I am too needy in regards to expectations and altogether probably not worthy of being in such a pure and honest world that is my book. Perhaps the lesson that I need to be taught is to enjoy my world for its subtleties and intricacies and slog my hard work day after day in the hopes that it will eventuate in just a little bit of magic one day.

 

Because doesn’t every one need just a little bit of magic in their life?

Trains

The house is silent with that sweet silence that comes in the middle of the night. All that can be heard is the rain. There is no longer someone to bug me by making too much noise. There’s all together not enough noise anymore. One of the dogs stirs and groans as they adjust their position on their bed. I look at them enviously. Jealous of how blissfully unaware of life they are. The cats make no noises as they sleep but rather they just sleep. Deeper than anything. I am jealous because instead of blissful silence in my head a freight train is coming.

Who are you it screams?

Who do you want to be?

Why aren’t you that person?

It whistles through the air filling my head with poisonous words. Sadly it is not limited to the late nights anymore but is actually present even in waking hours. So that there is literally no escape and no break from reality. I just wish that reality wasn’t something I needed to escape from. Another train comes whooshing past in the dead of the night.

Why do you always expect so much?

Be more laid back!

Change it screams. Adapt or die.

There’s nothing I can do to stop these trains I’ve learnt. And I’ve tried everything. I tried calling the train company. They don’t care. I’ve tried blowing up the trains, more just come down the railway line.  I’ve tried getting on them but it goes to nowhere. I’ve even tried ignoring them but still they come. None of it works for me. So tell me.

How do you face your trains?

A Tribute to my Adopted Families

They say that we only get one family. But that is not true. Upon reflection I am aware that I have been a part of many families and I am forever grateful for that. Both those mentioned and those that go unmentioned. So this one is for you guys. I am dedicating this article to all the beautiful humans that have welcomed me into their hearts and their homes. The families that have taken me out for dinner, driven me home, let me sleep over, fed me, taken me to their beach-house, listened to my ramblings over a cup of tea and generally made me feel loved and included as a worthwhile human. Because that’s what life is all about right?

Let’s take a closer look.

I guess it all begins with some Canadian families that my mum is currently over there visiting. Our childhood babysitter will always be treasured in our hearts as one of the best babysitters of all time. I have vague memories of her making peanut butter cookies with me (a personal favourite) and even having sleepovers at her house with her parents who are like my adopted grandparents because over there we had a lack of that. Again, adopted family becomes real family. Ironically as an adult now she lives in Australia now but I still haven’t seen her in many years. I look forward to someday soon catching up with her and meeting her wonderful children. Her family miss her a heck of a lot and they even took in my brother and me when we returned for a visit, helping us in any way that they could and feeding us delicious food like my favourite peanut butter and marshmallow slice (are you seeing how much I love peanut butter?)

Hospitality was also shown by two other close family friends of my mum. One who is my namesake, and who put me up for a significant amount of time while I was in Dryden visiting as a 17 year old. I really enjoyed connecting with her as an adult, and we went for stunning night walks on the lake, as well as cross country skiing. I still remember how magical walking across the incredible icy tundra of Lake Wabigoon was at night and later as we strolled through town the beautiful lights of a snowy town lit up by the spirit of Christmas.

Next stop was to a visit a truly inspirational woman in my life. She invited me over for a hot tub in the snow, a luxury enjoyed by many Canadians and easily ruined by getting out of the perfectly warm hot tub and jumping into the snow to make snow angels. I even ended up running down the driveway in the snow until I couldn’t feel my feet. This woman is a creator, a mother and a nature lover. I couldn’t find a more likeminded human and she is great friends with my mother due to their similarly beautifully positive natures. I spent some time with her youngest child as well who has clearly taken after his mother and was a breath of fresh air. I still follow the family on social media with some regularity and the daughter is also a gorgeous human.

One of my favourite adopted families belongs to my best friend from primary school from when I first moved to Australia. She knows who she is. Although it didn’t start off easily, our friendship is legendary. The sleepover book that I still hold on to as a keepsake has so many sleepovers in it. Her mum is one of the most laid back awesome mums ever. She reads books, just like I do. She has driven me home when I wanted to stay later at her house for dinner but then I couldn’t ride my bike home because it was dark. She looked after me when I fractured my hand trying to do handstands. She has the best stories that although her daughter thinks they are long winded I always thoroughly enjoy a chat with her. The whole family has been ridiculously generous and looked after me. Taking me out and taking me away with them even. I hope I was an okay guest because I loved every minute of it. They most recently even looked after our family dog when we were in a stressful situation. I know that I am always welcome at their door and I don’t know if I will ever be able to thank them enough for the wonderful memories they have given me. Nowadays my best friend, her brother, my brother and I have formed an irregular board game crew that get together when we can. We are long overdue for a catch-up. We also spend most Christmas eves together doing fun stuff like going to the pancake parlour and Macca’s runs as well as the more traditional board games with wine and cheese. We make our own traditions…that’s what families are for.

Another primary school friend from the collection comes from the family of New Zealanders that lived down the street from me. Their daughter and I used to walk to school together for many days of both high school and primary school. When I first met her she gave me a letter with all the information about her like a detailed spreadsheet, I still have it tucked away in my friendship box because if anything I am a memory hoarder. Over the years they have been responsible for countless worthwhile memories and even looked after me when my mum went overseas and took me on many family adventures. Thank you for always taking an interest in my life. We should have a family catch-up sometime soon!

My high school BFF has an interesting family that used to scare me due to loud fighting in another language but are actually really nice people (when not fighting with each other). They constantly fed me on so many hungry paper collating nights back in the day. I would come over to deliver papers and would immediately be fed to my heart’s desire, a luxury I took full advantage of at the time. Some of their homemade Romanian treats are the best I’ve ever had.  They still like to ask about me and hear about how my life is going and every-time I stop by they still try to feed me so I know where to go when I am starving and homeless one day.

Most recently both of my university friends that I met in first year’s families have welcomed me into the folds. When I first met this family, I actually thought I had died and gone to heaven. They frequently joke that I am the third sister of the family and a loved daughter to them. They went absolutely 110% above and beyond and even became my surrogate horse parents. They essentially funded and lent me a horse for the better part of two years while also transporting it up and down to my rural university. I have never known such generosity in my entire life and the gratitude in me runs just as deeply. It means much more than I can say and gave me some of the most precious experiences I have had in my entire life. Their daughter was also there the whole time to help me and be a friend, confidant and sometimes the bearer of tough love. I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of once in a lifetime experience. I still frequently enjoy visiting them and generally being a part of the family activities. And both sisters have a special place in my heart, quirks and all.

Much later down the track I met my other friends family, who are kind of like a bunch of carbon copies of her but I can say with confidence that she is probably still my favourite one. Her mum just gives me food all the time, (such a trend, clearly I was a starving child) like the absolute legend that she is. She also has let me stay at her house and just been a generally lovely person. I really admire the efforts that she has gone to as a mother to give her daughter a horsey life even when times are tough. It’s a different sort of parenting than what I am used to but equally admirable.

Also to the whole family who have taken me in randomly when I had to go to another random rural place (Wangaratta) to study for residential school several times. They even gave me a birthday cake and took me out to the pub for dinner (it was actually my birthday). I also got the full town walking tour of Rutherglen from a family very proud of where they lived. It is a very beautiful town. I really enjoyed chatting and connecting with the mum of the family each night after class. She is definitely #mumgoals and I would be lucky to be half as awesome as her when I grow up. Definitely would not have survived res school without her and I appreciate all she has done for me. Also just on a sidenote here the reason I got to meet this wonderful family and save money on accommodation was because of yet another family friend from primary school who put me in touch with them. She is also another mum who has done a lot for me.

Most recently another mother group mum comforted me while I was in complete tears over our family dog being in a precarious situation. She promptly sorted everything out and offered to take him on without hesitation. She apologised to me even though she had no part in the situation that had arisen. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.

There are many more people that I could write about. How lucky am I that I have so many people to call home? Is there any greater gift than having a network of wonderful people there to look after you and give a shit about you? It is in these moments that I truly feel privileged as a human. Seriously thank you if I haven’t already said it in these words and if I can ever return the favour you can call on me.

I dream of hope

I glare at the question on the paper. I know the answer.  Our heart pumps blood at five litres per minute, mine pumps dreams at the exact same rate. Hearts hold our dreams. Riding a bike, first day of school, first kiss, college and the dream career. The lies of the future. The false hope of destiny. If the heart stopped pumping five litres worth of dreams through our blood every minute no one would die of heart attacks. Five litres of expectations, uncertainty and inner turmoil. Too busy pumping ridiculous dreams around to notice the air smells just as sweet. Dreams are the death of living in the moment.

I pick up the pen. My heart beat is quickening now, the tempo thrumming like a drummer who has taken too many drugs before a show. LUB DUB! LUB DUB! The constant ever present nagging blood pumping through my veins. I can feel the weight of it, like gold ore in my veins. My dreams plague every second of my consciousness and even penetrate into my unconsciousness. Pens down is called and I feel my fate sealed like an airtight container. Hope is dead. Heart attack, they said.